


Goodbye

by GulJeri



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 20:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GulJeri/pseuds/GulJeri





	Goodbye

I can't write anymore. I can't finish anything. I can't start anything. Nothing I write is good. Nothing I write matters. I don't have the energy or emotional whatever to put into it anymore. I wanted to finish all of my stories but I just can't do it. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. It's the best I can do to just do basic self-care tasks for myself lately and even that is hard enough. I'm just done. The characters no longer bring me happiness or comfort. So many people in fandom have been terrible to me for no reason. I have been cyber-stalked, I have been harassed, and bullied, and threatened with violence or death threats. I've been bullied for attempting to leave kind comments on someone's work. All of this stuff over opinions on fictional characters, all of this stuff by people in our fandom, a fandom that is supposed to be based on tolerance and diversity. It doesn't mean we have to agree on everything but it's supposed to mean that we treat each other like human beings and can discuss our differences not this. 

The few people who have ever actually taken the time to get to know me would know that I'm a very loyal and caring person, and that I give a lot, and I listen, and I try really hard to help people and fix things. But no one cares. Nobody cares about me. I know I'm hated in fandom for lies that have been spread about me, or for speaking my mind on something, because I told myself long ago that I would try to stop being a doormat for other people and that I would not be afraid to say how I feel. If people want to hate me for that then I guess that's how it is going to be. I spent too long being spineless and rolling over for other people and that is not who I am anymore. I'm angry and upset that something I deeply love has in many ways been ruined for me, or at least a huge damper has been put on my love and passion for it, because of other people being cruel, back-stabbing, spreading lies and meanness, or being just plain batshit crazy. 

As a queer person I used to draw a lot of strength from Garak, and everyone knows how much I adore Damar, and I used to draw strength from him. I just can't anymore. I am too tired and exhausted by my own problems, by all the shit going on in this country, by the suffering of others, and by the crap that goes down in fandom over nonsense. Fandom is supposed to be a safe place where we can share our joy and make friends. I can't do that. I can't make friends in fandom anymore because a handful of people have made me into a monster. I am really fucking lonely. Every day. I need friends. I don't know how else to make them in real life and any chance that I had at some kind of community online has been destroyed. I'd even delete my tumblr at this point because it just doesn't matter anymore. The only reason I'm keeping it is out of sheer spite. Too many people in fandom would have a god damn party if I deleted. So, I guess that's one last fuck you.

I'll leave all my stories up on AO3.

I'm sorry I can't finish them. Writing used to be something I loved since I was a child and I just don't anymore.

Thanks to anyone who has ever taken the time to read my stories and review them. I truly do appreciate that more than I can say. No one truly knows how much it means to someone who is alone and dealing with depression all the time to see some words from some stranger saying something nice and positive on a stupid story. Even a couple words. It could be the only bright spot in my day or week.

It hurts me so much to have to post this. I just keep crying knowing that this message is going up. But I can't do it anymore and I don't want to just leave things without any kind of explanation. I know some people have been waiting for me to update for awhile and standing by so I have to let you guys know something.

Take care

-Jerry


End file.
